It’s near the end of October.
Here in Western Australia, we’re still conducting testing for COVID 19, but despite that there’s no official evidence of community transmission at all. Current COVID cases in WA are either travellers returning from overseas or the crew members of seafaring vessels.
Our state border is still closed and there are minimum-area-per-customer limits. But that’s about it.
We’re a long way from anywhere, so we’re doing relatively OK here.
But even without COVID to worry about, I’ve had a bit of a crappy run. Mostly related to job stress and knock-on effects, being too tired and anxious to make things out of hours, etc.
After a month-long break, I’ve remembered the day job is food on the table and a roof over my head and the resources to bring my own ideas and passions to fruition.
But there’s a bunch of resentment and paranoia and negativity and disengagement and weltschmerz fogging my brain, which has been getting worse over time. 2020 added to it, but it’s been simmering since I shelved AMITS in 2017.
How dare they make me so busy and stressed out that I put three years of effort on the back burner and look like a complete waster after what I said on that stage at Blender Conference oh god i am such a bloody embarrassment i wasted the time and kindness of so many amazing people who the hell did i think i was fooling (etc)
Understanding that connection between stress and anxiety and creative drop-off hasn’t helped deal with that feeling of indignation at all.
Indignation is a hell of a drug to kick, truly.
But this indignation gets me nowhere. And with enough time, nowhere is death.
And I want to be somewhere again.